


The Best Possible Outcome

by crossingwinter



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, some might say AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-14
Updated: 2012-08-14
Packaged: 2017-11-12 04:03:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/486483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crossingwinter/pseuds/crossingwinter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes to weighing choices, sometimes you can't know the best possible outcome. </p><p>But Lily Evans can, sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Best Possible Outcome

There were times when Lily Evans just knew things. 

She knew when her Aunt Marie was going to be diagnosed with cancer. 

Without having met him, she knew when James’ father would fall down the stairs and smash his face and hip. 

She knew that their third year Defense Against the Dark Arts professor’s husband was going to die on the first of April, and he did.

It wasn’t always bad things.  She knew when Petunia found her first boyfriend, she knew when Gryffindor was going to win the house cup (several months in advance of the thing), she knew when McGonagall was going to cancel their homework because she thought it would be good for their general morale. 

She didn’t know how she knew things.  She just knew that she did.

The first time that her friends found out about it, they hounded her about why she didn’t take Divination.  “It would be brilliant!  You could become a world-famous seer!” said Matilda Hoplan over a Slug Club dinner, “Don’t you think she should take Divination, Professor?”

Professor Slughorn laughed jovially.  “I think that if Miss Evans wanted to take Divination, she would be taking Divination.”  He winked at her.  She smiled back at him.

It made her feel slightly uncomfortable, especially since she knew that she should have kept her mouth shut and that, by this time tomorrow, Matilda and Slughorn would have spread the news that she could sense the future around the school.

She wasn’t wrong.  (She never was.)

“So, the mudblood knows the future, eh?  How long do you think it will be before the Dark Lord kills your parents, Evans?” Rosier called across the lawn as they passed each other when Lily was on her way to Herbology. 

She didn’t have to look over her shoulder to know that Sirius had just cast a Jelly-Legs Jinx so powerful that Rosier’s arms were shaking too.

It was one of those moments when she wondered why she didn’t spend more time with her Gryffindor Classmates.  They were very kind.

*

She knew before he did that Severus Snape was going to start caring a little too much about the dark arts.  It was the only time that she had ever actively tried to prevent something.

“Why, Sev?  Why?  Don’t you see what it’s doing?”

“It’s not you.  Why does it matter?”

“You are missing my point.”

“What is your point?”

She sighed.  “It’s as if it were me.”

“It’s not though!  I would never even think—I could never—You know that!”

Lily sighed and looked out the window at the lake.  She knew what the world could be.  She knew just how happy she could be if he would only pull away from Rosier and Malfoy and that whole, awful lot.

She knew that she could love him, that he had beauty unlike anyone else’s within his very soul, and that she wouldn’t need anyone else in the world so long as she had him.  And yet, she also knew that there was no way on earth she could ever be with him—certainly not while he was friends with Rosier.  It would be base treachery if he dated a mudblood.  The vision appeared behind her eyes (as it always did.  She didn’t know precisely where “behind her eyes” was, but it made sense to her).  He was dead, and no one could protect her and the child was dead in her belly before she could even think how to protect it.  She shivered and the vision shifted, and Potter’s voice was clear, although not too loud.  “It’s really more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean.”  She saw Severus rounding on her, fury and humiliation on his face, and she knew, _knew_ , that even friendship with him couldn’t last forever anymore.

“Lily?”

“Hm?”

“Lily?  Are you all right?  You are very pale.  Do you want to sit down?”

“I’m all right, Sev.”  She shook off his hand, which was now resting carefully on her shoulder. 

“Lil—”

“I’m fine.”

“What did you see?”

“I didn’t see anything.”

It was the first time in her life she didn’t want to tell him.

*

She knew that it was entirely possible she would never love James as much as she could have loved Severus.  She also knew that she would love James enough that it wouldn’t matter, and that she would not regret not loving Severus.  Loving a man who hated what she was would only have brought her pain in the long run. 

In seventh year, when she began dating James, she knew that she would die young.  To be fair, she had always known that she would die young—from cancer—like her mum and her aunt and her long-dead sister Rose, but she was now even more aware of the fact that she would die young because marrying James, carrying his son, would put her right across the path of Voldemort.  And she couldn’t love him and not marry him.  Her love was too strong for that.

It would be worth it though, she decided detachedly as she walked through the hallways a month before she would leave Hogwarts forever.  At least she would feel useful this way.  Her death would give Harry what he needed to survive.  If she didn’t marry James, he would get himself killed anyway, and she would waste away and die at the age of 31, friendless (because her friends would have been killed) and childless.

It wasn’t as though she wasn’t in love with James.  It wasn’t as though she didn’t want him to survive.  She had just learned a long time ago that whatever she thought would happen ended up happening, and James would not live more than another five years.  It was much more that she didn’t want to live the following eight without him.

*

It was when she thought that all hope was lost that she knew that he would do it.  It almost made it worth it, she thought.  She knew that she would never know him, and he would never know her, and it broke her heart.  But it was almost worth all that pain to know that her son was more special than any other parent could claim of their child.

She smiled sadly to herself.

It could have been so different, she thought to herself—strangely calm even though she knew all too well what was about to happen.  There could have been loneliness and a slow and painful wasting away and all love lost, and no you.

But there’s you.  And that was always going to be the best choice, the best possible outcome.

She heard the door open behind her, and she whirled around and flung her arms wide, prepared to beg, but knowing that it would be no use.


End file.
